FAMILY & FRIENDS
On this page you can find free (donated) information and reflection resources to support you in understanding and responding to domestic, family and sexualised violence.
Many victim-survivors of violence and abuse are silent or are silenced.
There is no one preference or path for support. Our responses always matter.
"Less than 40 per cent of the women who experience violence seek help of any sort. In the majority of countries with available data on this issue, among women who do seek help, most look to family and friends and very few look to formal institutions, such as police and health services. Fewer than 10 per cent of those seeking help reported to the police [11]." [UN Women]
"Responses don’t ‘start’ when someone ‘tells’ us something. We have been responding all along (directly or indirectly) through our stance, our silence, our action or inaction about violence and abuse. We are responders even when nothing is told to us." [Talk]
OUR RESPONSES CAN BE HELPFUL, UNHELPFUL OR HARMFUL
“Responders might feel unsure about the value of their responses, worrying they might cause my harm.” [Our Interactions, Responders Lab]
We invite you to browse the insights and reflections in the family & friends lightbox. Click on the cover tile (below) to open in full size.
THE RESPONSES OF FAMILY & FRIENDS REALLY MATTER
If or when a victim-survivor of violence and abuse tells us something - it may be the first, only or last time they reach out.
“One of the most painful responses I received from a close friend of mine was, “if you go back to him again, we can’t keep being your friends. You really have to stand up for yourself this time”. This was hard as it intensified the shame I was feeling - I felt faulty that I kept going back. I thought there was something wrong with me. My mum also told me that my aunty had said to her “if she goes back to him again, you need to wipe her and have nothing to do with her. Then she won't be able to handle that so then she’ll leave him”. I said to my mum, “that would not have worked. That would’ve been bad for me, I really needed you,”
[Alexander | Voices of Insight]
As family and friends, you might be wondering about how to respond...
- Worried about someone who might be controlling, hurting and harming others?
- Worried about someone who might be experiencing control, abuse and violence?
- Wondering how to help, support their safety and uphold their dignity?
- Unsure how someone might respond if you ask about their safety and wellbeing?
- Unsure what to say if a friend or loved one tells you that they have experienced violence and abuse?
A place to start might be 'Follow My Lead' a resource designed to build on the understanding of people responding to control, abuse and violence. Follow My Lead can be viewed in an animation or booklet format.
THE RESPONSES OF FAMILY & FRIENDS ARE ANTICPATED
Many victim-survivors are silent about or silenced by violence and abuse, yet they are right alongside us in our daily living. Their suffering may be unnoticed, yet they are noticing. Noticing us. In their strategic silence, they are attuned to what and who will build on or undermine their safety and dignity… and what this means next. People perpetrating violence also notice our actions and inactions. [Our Actions]
“One of my good friends did come and visit me for a weekend while I was pregnant and Lawrence said to her, “I don't like you visiting because you make her far too independent.” That weekend, I was doing things that I’d planned to do with her while he went out drinking with his friends. He’d then call me to pick him up, because I was pregnant, so I could drive. And he bothered me all weekend and made sure it was difficult for us to have a good time together, but he didn't want to do anything with us. He didn't really make an effort with my friends and that became a pattern… he’d say things like, “your friend looked awful.” Or, “I can't believe you’re friends with those people.” It hurt me emotionally. I’d just say, “please don't say that about my friends.” It was stressful to do anything with him to the point where I just started going to things by myself.”
[Marion | Voices of Insight]
A person who is being subjected to control, abuse and violence might be wondering about your responses...
“How you respond to me when I share with you, and in the time that follows, matters significantly to me. I might tell you parts of my experience to test out how safe I am with you and to explore how you react or retreat. I’ll be looking to see;
- what you think of what I have shared
- that you believe me
- what you think of me and if/how that changes now that you know more about me
- whether you give more weight to what the person abusing me says than what I say
- whether the person abusing me will be able to influence your thinking and make you think differently about me and what this means next.” [Follow My Lead]
To build on your understanding, a place to start might be to read the booklet Talk - a reflection resource is designed to reveal and value the strategic considerations of victim-survivors when deciding if, when and how to tell someone about experiences of violence and abuse. You might also want to view/read or share My Safety Kit - a reflection resource designed to support people who are, or may be, experiencing domestic, family and sexualised violence.
“His brother-in-law was the only one who wasn’t too upset to ring me, so they put him on to talk to me to convince me not to press charges, or not to go ahead with anything that I was going to do. I remember him saying, “I know it’s not what it looks like, but he is a good person, he is a good man.” And I’m like, “the ‘good man’ you’re talking to me about; I’m literally waiting to see if this ‘good man’ broke my ribs. You’re telling me that this guy is a ‘good man?’” His family was trying to convince me not to do anything, because they thought I was going to ruin his life.”
[Janine |Voices of Insight]
A person who is perpetrating control, abuse and violence might be wondering about your responses...
A person who is perpetrating control, abuse and violence deliberates their choice of harmful actions against the victim-survivor. They choose what they conceal from and reveal to others. They might be wondering about your responses...
- Have I diverted or distracted you from focusing on my use of control, abuse and violence?
- Have you noticed what I have done and am doing?
- Have you made allowances for my actions?
- Have you made me or others responsible for what’s going on?
[My Ecosystem - Responders Lab]
I am I can - invites reflection about the use of violence (in any form) being a ‘choice’. We can each choose non-violence in all relationships. I am I can can be viewed in an animation or booklet format.
INSIGHTS AND MATERIALS FOR RESPONDING FAMILY & FRIENDS
As responding family and friends, you can explore any of the free (donated) insights and materials below to build on your understanding and responses.
The materials are informed by lived experience insights and include victims’ experiences of, responses to, and resistance against violence and abuse.
The resources are listed here and described below. Each link will take you to the relevant landing page where you will find the related booklets, animations, information and posters.
The insights and materials below are not exhaustive and you can explore more by browsing the different areas on the website:
listening | exploring | responding | learning | participating
"Because of how I am being treated, and my reasons to fear, I am wondering...
Am I being threatened or manipulated to reduce or stop connecting with others?
Am I being punished for connecting with and being contacted by friends, family, colleagues and more?
Who notices I have had to avoid time and contact with people for safety? Who is not giving up on me?"
ABOUT VIOLENCE AND ABUSE & LIVED EXPERIENCE INSIGHTS
What is domestic and family violence? National, state and territory definitions of domestic and family violence and criminal codes vary, however violence and abuse is never acceptable in any community, family, institution, place or context.
Arts Lab Collection - browse the original collections including a series of original artworks inspired by the Insight Exchange Voices of Insight narratives.
Voices of Insight - de-identified narratives of people’s lived experience of domestic, family and sexualised violence. The narratives highlight victim-survivor resistance and responses to violence, and the helpful, unhelpful or harmful ways people, services and systems responded.
My Safety Kit - a reflection resource designed to support people who are, or may be, experiencing domestic, family and sexualised violence. My Safety Kit includes two short animations and is in a booklet format.
My Support Options - menu designed to share examples of what victim-survivors of domestic, family and sexualised violence have wished for and/or asked for from their workplace.
Selecting a counsellor - a guide designed to support your selection of a counsellor and to support your reflections about the value and safety of the counselling experience.
ABOUT DIGNITY AND SEXUALISED VIOLENCE
My Dignity - My body is mine is an information and reflection resource about sexualised violence.
Intimate Dignity is a reflection resource about insights and experiences of intimate dignity and indignity.
Reproductive Dignity is a reflection resource about insights and experiences of reproductive dignity and indignity.
A FOCUS ON CHILDREN
"Cliff never respected the parenting orders boundaries, and he made girls break those boundaries too. Whenever the girls were with him, he did not allow them to contact me and if they did call me, they had to do it secretly. The girls and I had developed an emoji system that they could send me if they needed me. Otherwise, when they were with Cliff, I just accepted that I would not have contact with them. But when the girls were with me in my home, Cliff expected that he could have as much assess to them, via the phone and internet as he wanted."
[Nicole | Voices of Insight]
Children - Children matter. Explore 'An imperfect letter'.
Dad - your choice - Unpaid child support hurts children and limits living. Children don’t have the safety or means to contest unpaid child support debt. Their experiences of poverty are real and lasting. Day to day. Year on year. Unpaid child support is preventable poverty.
Being Safety is a reflection resource written for, with and by mothers who are (or have been) parenting while subjected to violence and abuse by a co-parenting father.
UNDERSTANDING MORE
Fear - As responders we can better understand victim-survivors many reasons to fear, when we explore what victim-survivors are having to do, not do, give up and go without to be able to survive and lead their lives.
My Economic Safety - information, resources and insights about economic abuse and financial abuse.
Strangulation - The perpetration of strangulation is a serious problem globally. So, how can we improve our understanding of and responses to strangulation?