FAMILY & FRIENDS
On this page you can find examples of free (donated) information and reflection resources to support you in understanding and responding to domestic, family and sexualised violence. There are many more on the website for you to freely browse, use and share.
Many victim-survivors of violence and abuse are silent or are silenced. There is no one preference or path for support. Our responses always matter.
"Less than 40 per cent of the women who experience violence seek help of any sort. In the majority of countries with available data on this issue, among women who do seek help, most look to family and friends and very few look to formal institutions, such as police and health services. Fewer than 10 per cent of those seeking help reported to the police [11]." [UN Women]
"Responses don’t ‘start’ when someone ‘tells’ us something. We have been responding all along (directly or indirectly) through our stance, our silence, our action or inaction about violence and abuse. We are responders even when nothing is told to us." [Talk]
THE RESPONSES OF FAMILY & FRIENDS REALLY MATTER
If or when a victim-survivor of violence and abuse tells us something - it may be the first, only or last time they reach out. Our responses can be helpful , unhelpful or harmful. As friends and family we might feel unsure about the value of our responses, worrying we might cause more harm. We invite you to browse the insights and reflections in the family & friends lightbox.
Click on the Family & Friends cover tile (below) to open in full size.
THE RESPONSES OF FAMILY & FRIENDS ARE ANTICPATED
Many victim-survivors are silent about or silenced by violence and abuse, yet they are right alongside us in our daily living. Their suffering may be unnoticed, yet they are noticing. Noticing us. In their strategic silence, they are attuned to what and who will build on or undermine their safety and dignity… and what this means next. People perpetrating violence also notice our actions and inactions. [Our Actions]
As family and friends, you might be wondering about how to respond...
- Worried about someone who might be controlling, hurting and harming others?
- Worried about someone who might be experiencing control, abuse and violence?
- Wondering how to help, support their safety and uphold their dignity?
- Unsure how someone might respond if you ask about their safety and wellbeing?
- Unsure what to say if a friend or loved one tells you that they have experienced violence and abuse?
A place to start might be 'Follow My Lead' a resource designed to build on the understanding of people responding to control, abuse and violence. Follow My Lead can be viewed in an animation or booklet format.
A person who is being subjected to control, abuse and violence might be wondering about your responses...
“How you respond to me when I share with you, and in the time that follows, matters significantly to me. I might tell you parts of my experience to test out how safe I am with you and to explore how you react or retreat. I’ll be looking to see;
- what you think of what I have shared
- that you believe me
- what you think of me and if/how that changes now that you know more about me
- whether you give more weight to what the person abusing me says than what I say
- whether the person abusing me will be able to influence your thinking and make you think differently about me and what this means next.” [Follow My Lead]
To build on your understanding, a place to start might be to read the booklet Talk - a reflection resource is designed to reveal and value the strategic considerations of victim-survivors when deciding if, when and how to tell someone about experiences of violence and abuse.
A person who is perpetrating control, abuse and violence might be wondering about your responses...
A person who is perpetrating control, abuse and violence deliberates their choice of harmful actions against the victim-survivor. They choose what they conceal from and reveal to others. They might be wondering about your responses...
- Have I diverted or distracted you from focusing on my use of control, abuse and violence?
- Have you noticed what I have done and am doing?
- Have you made allowances for my actions?
- Have you made me or others responsible for what’s going on?
[My Ecosystem - Responders Lab]
I am I can - invites reflection about the use of violence (in any form) being a ‘choice’. We can each choose non-violence in all relationships. I am I can can be viewed in an animation or booklet format.
“One of the most painful responses I received from a close friend of mine was, “if you go back to him again, we can’t keep being your friends. You really have to stand up for yourself this time”. This was hard as it intensified the shame I was feeling - I felt faulty that I kept going back. I thought there was something wrong with me. My mum also told me that my aunty had said to her “if she goes back to him again, you need to wipe her and have nothing to do with her. Then she won't be able to handle that so then she’ll leave him”. I said to my mum, “that would not have worked. That would’ve been bad for me, I really needed you,”
[Alexander | Voices of Insight]
“One of my good friends did come and visit me for a weekend while I was pregnant and Lawrence said to her, “I don't like you visiting because you make her far too independent.” That weekend, I was doing things that I’d planned to do with her while he went out drinking with his friends. He’d then call me to pick him up, because I was pregnant, so I could drive. And he bothered me all weekend and made sure it was difficult for us to have a good time together, but he didn't want to do anything with us. He didn't really make an effort with my friends and that became a pattern… he’d say things like, “your friend looked awful.” Or, “I can't believe you’re friends with those people.” It hurt me emotionally. I’d just say, “please don't say that about my friends.” It was stressful to do anything with him to the point where I just started going to things by myself.”
[Marion | Voices of Insight]
“His brother-in-law was the only one who wasn’t too upset to ring me, so they put him on to talk to me to convince me not to press charges, or not to go ahead with anything that I was going to do. I remember him saying, “I know it’s not what it looks like, but he is a good person, he is a good man.” And I’m like, “the ‘good man’ you’re talking to me about; I’m literally waiting to see if this ‘good man’ broke my ribs. You’re telling me that this guy is a ‘good man?’” His family was trying to convince me not to do anything, because they thought I was going to ruin his life.”
[Janine |Voices of Insight]
INSIGHTS AND MATERIALS FOR RESPONDING FAMILY & FRIENDS
Exploring safety, dignity & options
"Because of how I am being treated, and my reasons to fear, I am wondering...
Am I being threatened or manipulated to reduce or stop connecting with others?
Am I being punished for connecting with and being contacted by friends, family, colleagues and more?
Who notices I have had to avoid time and contact with people for safety? Who is not giving up on me?"
[My Safety Kit]
My Safety Kit - a reflection resource designed to support people who are, or may be, experiencing domestic, family and sexualised violence. My Safety Kit includes two short animations and is in a booklet format.
Being Safety is a reflection resource written for, with and by mothers who are (or have been) parenting while subjected to violence and abuse by a co-parenting father.
Children - Children & Young People matter. Explore 'An imperfect letter' in animation and print. These can be shared and embedded anywhere. We may never know what the letter might mean to one child or many children - now and over time.
Dad - your choice - Unpaid child support hurts children and limits living. Children don’t have the safety or means to contest unpaid child support debt. Their experiences of poverty are real and lasting. Day to day. Year on year. Unpaid child support is preventable poverty.
My Support Options - menu designed to share examples of what victim-survivors of domestic, family and sexualised violence have wished for and/or asked for from their workplace.
My Dignity - My body is mine is an information and reflection resource about sexualised violence.
Intimate Dignity is a reflection resource about insights and experiences of intimate dignity and indignity.
Reproductive Dignity is a reflection resource about insights and experiences of reproductive dignity and indignity.
As responding family and friends, you can explore any of the free (donated) insights and materials above (and throughout the website) to build on your understanding and responses.
listening | exploring | responding | learning | participating