Eliminate Excuses

OUR ACTIONS - ELIMINATE EXCUSES

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Our Actions Cover Border - Excuses

Let's eliminate, not perpetuate, excuses about the choice to use violence and abuse.

Content: This document reveals lived experience insights shared through the Voices of Insight about the excuses that the perpetrator uses to deny, minimise and conceal their choice to use violence and abuse against victims. The insights also reveal excuses afforded to or made about the perpetrators use of violence and abuse. These excuses need eliminating.

Note: The ways in which violence is perpetrated can be changing, and the examples are not exhaustive or representative of all people or all excuses that might be weaponised now and in the future.

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We need to eliminate, not perpetuate, excuses about the choice to use violence and abuse.

‘I am. I can' was created to invite reflection about the use of violence (in any form) being a ‘choice’. We can each choose non-violence in all relationships. We invite people who are using control, abuse and violence to view this animation and to seek support. We invite you to view/share/embed the ‘I am. I can' animation (4mins). Using your phone, you can scan the static QR Code to open the ‘I am I can’ animation or view it on the next slide. www.insightexchange.net/i-am-i-can

Play the embedded 'I am I can' (Animation)

The person using violence and abuse is ‘in control’ not ‘out of control’. ‘When violence and abuse is being perpetrated, power, safety and resources are not equally shared. The power to make decisions, to access options and to be protected and live in safety. The safety to be, to participate, to live and lead your life, and to care for others. Where we have what we need to enact decisions and live safely in community.’

‘The perpetrator uses control abuse and violence over and against the victim. The victim responds to and resists the violence and abuse used against them. The victim is also impacted (in seen and unseen ways) by the violence used against them - undermining their dignity, and impacting their safety, health, wellbeing, options, futures and more. The perpetrator anticipates the victim will resist their abuse and oppresses and overpowers the victim's resistance. They undermine and sabotage their options. Because of the control, abuse and violence perpetrated against them, the victim has reasons to fear that the perpetrator will extend and intensify the violence against them, and the people they care for and care about. The continuous effort and resourcefulness victim-survivors sustain in resisting and responding to the violence, and the immediate and enduring impacts of the violence, can cost them beyond measure.’ [Excerpt: Our Actions]

‘People perpetrating control, abuse and violence also notice our actions and inactions. They rely on us to do little or nothing about their choice to use violence and abuse. […] Perpetrators are more able to extend their use of control, abuse and violence when we excuse their choice to hurt and harm others. We need to eliminate, not perpetuate, excuses about the choice to use violence.’ [Excerpt: Our Actions] Content: This document contains insights from the ‘Voices of Insight’. [www.insightexchange.net/voices-of-insight] The insights reveal excuses that the perpetrator uses to deny, minimise and conceal their choice to use violence and abuse against victims. The insights also reveal excuses afforded to or made about the perpetrators use of violence and abuse. These excuses need eliminating. Note: The ways in which violence is perpetrated can be changing, and the examples are not exhaustive or representative of all people or all excuses that might be weaponised now and in the future.

The excuses about the choice to use violence are featured in this document. They are revealed alongside examples of excuses described in the ‘I am I can’ animation and other excuses revealed through the ‘Voices of Insight’ descriptions. "Don’t create excuses for my controlling, abusive and violent behaviour. Excuses provided to me by society, services and systems deny my competency, my capability, and my responsibility. They deny the deliberateness of my actions and the control I have, and this allows me to extend my use of abuse and violence." [Excerpt: I am I can]

Support victim-survivors safety and dignity by eliminating these excuses that are that are used to deny, minimise and conceal the use of violence and abuse against them. When I choose to behave in ways that are controlling, abusive and violent, this is… not because of my biology (though my physical health and wellbeing really matter). [Excerpt: I am I can]

OA EE A3 P (9)

Support victim-survivors safety and dignity by eliminating these excuses that are that are used to deny, minimise and conceal the use of violence and abuse against them. When I choose to behave in ways that are controlling, abusive and violent, this is…not because of my psychology (though my mental health and wellbeing really matter). [Excerpt: I am I can]

OA EE A3 P (11)

Support victim-survivors safety and dignity by eliminating these excuses that are that are used to deny, minimise and conceal the use of violence and abuse against them. When I choose to behave in ways that are controlling, abusive and violent, this is… not because of my society (though my social interactions, connections, influences and community really matter). [Excerpt: I am I can]

OA EE A3 P (13)

Support victim-survivors safety and dignity by eliminating these excuses that are that are used to deny, minimise and conceal the use of violence and abuse against them. When I choose to behave in ways that are controlling, abusive and violent, this is… not because of my culture (though my cultural identity, experiences, connections, values, norms, traditions really matter). [Excerpt: I am I can]

OA EE A3 P (15)

Support victim-survivors safety and dignity by eliminating these excuses that are that are used to deny, minimise and conceal the use of violence and abuse against them. When I choose to behave in ways that are controlling, abusive and violent, this is… not because of my faith, religion or spirituality (though my beliefs, practices, theology, and traditions really matter). [Excerpt: I am I can]

OA EE A3 P (17)

Support victim-survivors safety and dignity by eliminating these excuses that are that are used to deny, minimise and conceal the use of violence and abuse against them. When I choose to behave in ways that are controlling, abusive and violent, this is…not because of my childhood (though my early experiences, interactions and relationships really matter). [Excerpt: I am I can]

OA EE A3 P (19)

Support victim-survivors safety and dignity by eliminating these excuses that are that are used to deny, minimise and conceal the use of violence and abuse against them. When I choose to behave in ways that are controlling, abusive and violent, this is…not because of who the victim is (though my relationship can be strained, under pressure, involve differences and conflict). [Excerpt: I am I can]

OA EE A3 P (21)

Support victim-survivors safety and dignity by eliminating these excuses that are that are used to deny, minimise and conceal the use of violence and abuse against them. When I choose to behave in ways that are controlling, abusive and violent, this is… not because of substances or alcohol (though substances and alcohol may impact my mood, judgement and stability). [Excerpt: I am I can]

OA EE A3 P (23)

Support victim-survivors safety and dignity by eliminating these excuses that are that are used to deny, minimise and conceal the use of violence and abuse against them. When I choose to behave in ways that are controlling, abusive and violent, this is… not because of my circumstances (though my context may be challenging and complex). [Excerpt: I am I can]

OA EE A3 P (25) B

Support victim-survivors safety and dignity by eliminating these excuses that are that are used to deny, minimise and conceal the use of violence and abuse against them. When I choose to behave in ways that are controlling, abusive and violent, this is… not because of my privilege, my sense of entitlement, or because people around me believe I am exempt from responsibilities.

OA EE A3 P (27)

Support victim-survivors safety and dignity by eliminating these excuses that are that are used to deny, minimise and conceal the use of violence and abuse against them. When I choose to behave in ways that are controlling, abusive and violent, this is… not because of anything the victim has or has not done, or anything the victim will or will not do.

OA EE A3 P (29) B

Support victim-survivors safety and dignity by eliminating these excuses that are that are used to deny, minimise and conceal the use of violence and abuse against them. When I choose to behave in ways that are controlling, abusive and violent, this is… not because people around me doubt I would use violence (defending my character, my capabilities and my reputation).

OA EE A3 P (31)

Support victim-survivors safety and dignity by eliminating these excuses that are that are used to deny, minimise and conceal the use of violence and abuse against them. When I choose to behave in ways that are controlling, abusive and violent, this is… not because I (or people around me) think or say my actions are ‘harmless’ or ‘insignificant’.

OA EE A3 P (33)

"It is because I choose to. My reasons for behaving in violent and abusive ways are no excuse for choosing to use violence and abuse." [Excerpt: I am I can]

More insights and materials

"The blame and shame do not belong to me, it belongs to the men in my life who were violent and abusive. The shame also belongs to all the people who blamed me and held me responsible for men’s use of violence against me. This includes my family and friends – even though they meant well and at times my family were the only people who were really there for me. It also includes all the victim-blaming messages from our society. All these responses made me believe that I was faulty and that there was something wrong with me because I kept going back to the relationship." [Voices of Insight | Alexander] We invite you to explore more examples of the intentional ways in which language and silences are used and mis-used to build on or undermine safety, dignity and justice. Voices of Insight Voices about economic abuse Voices of experience www.insightexchange.net/listening

What is domestic and family violence? www.insightexchange.net/about-violence-and-abuse Dad – Your choice hurts me www.insightexchange.net/dad An introduction to economic abuse www.insightexchange.net/my-economic-safety

Insight Exchange www.insightexchange.net © Insight Exchange

Explore more from 'Our Actions':

Let's close the gaps that are exploited by people who choose to use violence and abuse.
Let's widen the support options available to victim-survivors of violence and abuse.
Let's increase the choice and control featured within the support options.

Return to the Our Actions landing page.